


This House No Longer Feels Like Home.

by Geek_in_progress



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Angst, Blood, Depression, Dissociation, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Guilt, Melodrama, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Survivor Guilt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-07
Updated: 2017-09-07
Packaged: 2018-12-25 01:50:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 548
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12025563
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Geek_in_progress/pseuds/Geek_in_progress
Summary: John finally looses it when he notices that he is out of milk.





	This House No Longer Feels Like Home.

John finally looses it when he notices ~~they're~~ _he, John, not Sherlock, never they, never again,_ that **he** is out of milk. It's the grey of early, early morning or late, late night, he hasn't been keeping track. He's just woken up, muzzy from sleep _from grief, from not eating, from too much sleep, from not enough._ Shuffles into the kitchen, bare feet and days old shirts and pants. Opens the fridge, squinting into the feeble light, too bright for eyes swollen from laying in bed too long not crying. Foot propping the door open, trying to find his way out of the apathy enough to pick something to eat. He stands there for a minute, before realizing he's holding the empty milk carton. Stares at the carton, can't remember picking it up, can't think through the fog _blank, empty, always, forever_ , to why it's so important. Milk, empty _hollow, carved out, no breath._ Blinks, and carefully, carefully _controlled, always controlled, can't break down, can't let it out, it won't stop_ sets the carton on the counter.

 

I's like a wave then, and he blindly grabs the first thing his hand finds in the too bare fridge. Half turns, yelling, and throws. It's a jam jar, boysenberry  _weird flavor, they were out of the regular, thought what the hell, thought maybe Sherlock would laugh_. The glass shatters s _hattered, broken, his soul, his life_ , the jam splatters _his heart, his Sherlock, oh god_. Glass everywhere and it looks like blood on the floor _blood on the pale face, blood in the dark hair_. The next thing John realizes, he's on the floor, backed into the corner and it's several shades lighter in the room. Cold and shaking, chest hurting, face wet. Doesn't even realize he's cut until he tries to stand and almost falls into the counter. Looks down in confusion, glass glitters and there is so much red. _Jam, it looks like blood, it's jam, only jam, no more blood, never, no more warmth, no more life_. But no. Long gash on his left leg, and he doesn't even feel it _numb, always numb now_. It's clotted now but his leg is still covered in blood. His doctor's mind, far away, at a remove, separate, catalogs;  _low blood sugar, haven't eaten, fibular artery, pint of blood, needs suturing, might have bleed out._ But then he remembers he was sitting _curled, rocking, sobbing_ with his arms around his knees _tight, so tight, have to hold on, can't let go, might fly apart_. Ah.

 

A moment's debate but he doesn't feel like going to hospital, doesn't feel like calling someone. Mike, Sarah, Molly, they would come. They would fix his leg _can't fix me, broken, never whole, always bleeding, can't suture a heart when half is in the ground_. Makes his way to the bathroom, washes his leg in the bath, gets enough blood off to see. Back to the front room, spreads his kit on table. Still can't feel much _what else is new, doesn't matter anyway._ Doesn't bother with anesthetic _maybe I'll feel something, maybe I deserve it._ In and out, knitting flesh, a doctor's meditation. Pin pricks of pain _not enough,_ wrap with gauze.

 

Later he'll think _I might have died._ Later he'll realize he's disappointed.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I am not a medical professional. If you are, I'm sorry for the liberties I took with John's cut.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Anger Issues Are *Mostly* Unbecoming](https://archiveofourown.org/works/12030966) by [Lily_Hatch](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lily_Hatch/pseuds/Lily_Hatch)




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